Astrology has been having a moment for long enough now that it’s probably no longer a moment and just the new status quo. Maybe it’s the disenchantment with organized religion, the horrors of living through late-stage capitalism, a global pandemic and climate collapse, or just the rising awareness that we have no meaningful control over anything going on in our lives.
In any case, astrology is a Big Thing now, especially if you’re queer, so you’d better learn enough about it to at least fake your way through a conversation with an astrology buff. So without further ado, here is my helpfully compiled, completely scientific, and totally unbiased list of the five greatest star signs in the zodiac.
October 23 – November 21
Ah Scorpio, the goth sign. The sexy, sexy murder sign. Even if it wasn’t my star sign, I’d put it in the top spot because I’m a predictable spooky goth bitch. It gets a little tiresome always being stereotyped as a murder trollop but it’s worth it to have the star sign that works best as a tattoo. Plus it’s a water sign, and water is the best element. Apparently we’re Machiavellian masterminds, fixated on the truth and gifted with psychic powers, which sounds like the start of a character bio for a new Marvel anti-hero and also just very cool. Who doesn’t want a loyal, intimidating bad ass to menace their enemies and possibly step on them? While I find the birthstone of yellow topaz a little bit disappointing, overall the Scorpio aesthetic gets a 10/10, would arrange to be born under this sign again.
May 21 – June 20
Geminis make the best spouses. That’s just a fact. But did you know they’re practically supercomputers in their ability to multitask and synthesise reams of new information all at once? The greatest communicators in the zodiac, every grumpy Scorpio journalist needs one on their side to smooth over the aftermath of what has sometimes been described as “excessive honesty.” Sparkling personalities, full of verve and curiosity, as well as a desire to know everything about everything, Geminis are fascinating as well as incredible conversationalists. Quick witted with a great sense of humour, Geminis are the life of the party and great at directing the flow of any social environment. Fun and cool and great at helping you stay on track or process a lot of information, you definitely want a Gemini on your team.
July 23 – August 22
Lions are awesome. That’s it.
OK, fine. Leo is the sign all about creativity and intense burning passion. Which makes sense, as they’re a fire sign ruled by the sun—and you have to admit, that alone sounds hardcore. Ruled by the fifth house—the house of joy, creation and romance—Leo is the archetypal wild poet and artist. Storming in with their blinding charisma and wellspring of new ideas, Leos rule any room they walk into and leave everyone stunned and fascinated in their wake. Add in a dash of lion-hearted courage and enough executive function to actually finish everything they’ve started, and Leos can probably achieve literally anything they feel like. And given how devoted they are to ensuring their friends achieve their goals as well, they’ll probably get them there, too
The sign of unstoppable chaos, Aries makes everyone’s lives more interesting when you keep them around. Another passionate fire sign, they spark with short bursts of intense creative energy, and are all about new beginnings and setting things into motion. If you need to reinvent yourself or get a project off the ground, then Aries is your best friend—and as a friend, they’ll be your fiercest defender, too. Aries has no inhibitions when it comes to expressing either their feelings or opinions, and that kind of honesty is refreshing, even if it does hurt some feelings—it’s nice to see exactly what you get. They’re also some of the best lovers in the Zodiac, which is nothing to sneeze at, and their birth stone is a diamond—fancy!
November 22 – December 21
Apparently Sagittarius is here to help us explore the universe, which is pretty freaking cool. Completely relentless, you can’t tell them to give up, or that whatever they’re doing is impossible because one, they won’t listen, and two, they’ll prove you wrong—which, as long as it’s not some super villain shit, is pretty awesome. An optimistic risk-taker, Sagittarius is one of the Mutable signs, which means they’re here to guide us like doulas through our rapidly changing (and nightmarish) world into a (hopefully) better tomorrow. And let’s be obvious, we need all the help we can get on that front. They’re also incurable adventurers, which means you’re in for some fun times if you befriend them, and their house (ninth) is all about belief and philosophy, which leads to some awesome, deep conversations. Plus their symbol is the archer, which makes for the second best tattoo option in the zodiac.
(featured image: Suraj Pokhrel, Getty Images / The Mary Sue)